Archive for the ‘loyalty’ Tag

The old me…


my husband uploaded an old painting he had done of me on facebook.  it got this review from on old friend of mine.  i have not seen her since i was 20.

“So interesting, Sean. To me, it is markedly different than most of the other work you’ve shared here. 
It is softer, more consciously beautiful. I notice a longer middle finger on the left hand (conscious on your part? and so Kim!) 
It is very beautiful and though I don’t see you two (18 years?), this captures more of Kim than some of the photos I see of Kim. 
As it should be with really good art. Simply lovely.” KG

i responded with, 

 “you are so right about the middle finger! i look at this and see the younger me. the me before the big change. i was touched by the wonder of motherhood and still being so changed by my increasing knowledge of science. i was loving research and work and family and the world still felt as if it was at my feet or within my grasp or in my grasp. i am now touched by darkness. my eyes are harder even when they are closed. the wonder is gone and filled with a knowledge i never sought. i don’t know what a painting of me today would look like through sean’s eyes. the first one he did i wore a mask.

it would be interesting what a third one would reveal, but the man would need a break from his fucked up wife to even begin to process her from a distance. a moment to pull his thoughts together. a moment to see himself and the world with out me partially blocking his view of everything with my constant needs.”

it touches on a little bit from my last entry.  i know that sean has had little time to recover himself because i take up so much of the resources.  i take up a lot of resources from a lot of people.  i see this with vanessa.  all i give her is grief and every now and then we meet and we laugh and she gets a shot in the arm of happiness from me instead of just the draining forces of my depression.  janet pretty much only gets grief.  she has a lot going on in her life and i try to remember to ask her about it.  i try to remember to be quiet enough of the phone with her to allow her to bring up what she needs to bring up, but most times i hang up and know i failed at being a good enough listener.  jenny and i talk rarely and briefly and she always insists on me talking.  she is a very good deflector.  bridget tries so hard to get a hold of me and i try to focus on her children because they are so young and young motherhood is hard. janet v. will call me sometimes and i focus on our kids because our daughters are so similar in age and motherhood changed both of us in ways i never thought would happen and she inspired me to be the sort of mom i was to my children when they were young. india and i talk about common things and complain about equally.  we try to be there for each other’s kids, but honestly it is so easy because of location that i would have to be a pretty selfish self centered ass to not be helpful.  it pretty much doesn’t count.

then we circle back to sean…always there.  always there. always there. standing tall.  unflinching in his support.  cracks occur at the end of long weekend or vacations as he faces the burden of going back to work while i barely carry on.  he faces the stresses of supporting our family at a very high stress job, while i pick up freelance money here and there and half the time ask him for help when i get stuck on a problem.  he goes in every work day and kicks ass and is smart and resourceful and carries to the load of managing a huge public website while only listening to the public complain about a misplaced italics or a cart that ended up empty probably because of browser settings on their own computer—-long winded, well written complaints about a job he takes so seriously and is so good at. complaints sent to every person the bored individual can find an email address to and the nights and weekends and long hours he spends to make a site so large, ever changing and under such incredible scrutiny not only function but function at a level both aesthetically and practically that supersedes pretty much any other site in his industry is reduced to a well connected complainers whim.  maybe once a year he gets an email from an overly excited person in europe who can’t believe how great the site is.  then once a year a man who has become obsessed with only this small niche of sites rates all of them from around the world and usually the one sean keeps tightly under his wing comes out on top and he can smile for a day.  that is what he does while i try to crawl back to becoming the person who supported him enough that he could handle his job and have time to paint wonderful beautiful paintings of things not only bursting out of his soul that must come out or he will fall, but also have time and distance to plan a painting for me, about me.  he could see me as something far enough away that he could see and capture my movements in paint.  

i drain those around me.  i try to feed my children and any other child that comes within my circle, but adults are mostly drained.

the painting also captures the old me.  i have talked about this in another post.  i noticed it in two photos sent to me by my mother-in-law.  one taken before tom died and one taken the day of his funeral.  i still can’t believe she asked us to sit for a photo as i prepared to go to my brother’s funeral.  so odd.  we were dressed up and we looked so “nice” and she posed us on the couch and snapped a photo.  i love this woman so much, but that photo makes me very sad and feel something else i won’t put to type. i noticed my soul was burned out of my eyes in the funeral photo.  gone. no light.

i talked about the old me a lot in that post.  this painting also captures the old me.  i know i will never go back to her.  that i wouldn’t be her at this point even without tom’s suicide, but i wouldn’t be this person here. vacant eyes that easily tear up.  draining the life from so many people i love.  pushing people away so i can breath without guilt.  

there is also the old me who was motivated and kept house and home in a way that i was proud of.  that was there.  there for my husband and kids and had enough left over for those around me.

someone in my outer circle needed help recently.  we sometimes reach out to someone in any sort of need and collect money or food or whatever.  she has been a good soul in my life and i failed.  i didn’t even send money which was the easiest thing to do.  i failed a person who was one of the first to hug me after i returned from chicago.  who always smiled at me and lifted my spirits without much effort.  we were never close, but we saw in each other something we liked and she would have done anything i would have asked for.  i let the time slip by holed up in my house and failed her.  

i never would have done that before.  i wouldn’t have done that during a good week or month.  i have returned some good will, but it is unpredictable.  i am unreliable.  

i really liked the old me.  i miss her.  i now know i must grieve her.  i must let go of her.  i don’t know how much of the new me i have to accept, but i am not proud of her.  i don’t like her.  i never, ever want to see a painting of her done through the eyes of someone i have stolen so much from.