Archive for the ‘friends’ Tag

2012

I woke up in a very good mood.  This isn’t something completely new or different.  I get these highs and always have.  Every song on the radio makes me smile, even that damn Adele song.  I sing loudly and with passion to Air Supply or Pit Bull or Katy Perry or Metallica.  I think about the future and I know it is good.  I mean really good.  Gooey good.  I think about the past and even the hard stuff, even something horrible is felt with a clean hurt.  When my eyes sting with tears, I feel fierce.  This fierceness is all good though, because I smile through the tears and the smile is shining and true.

I want to hold on to these mornings or nights or whenever these times of clearness enters my being.  It feels so true and beautiful.  Colors pop, pop, pop faster than my thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.  I know it can’t stay or I would become giddy and my eyes too wide and my smile too toothy and then maybe a bit of madness would slip in.  So, I sit back and I take in the thoughts, the feelings the realizations and I don’t try to touch them.  I let them move over me and through me and the ones that can settle, I let settle.  I don’t even hold my breath any more when this happens.

Overall things have been good.  Even, if I try to remove the high, I can still say things have been better.  New Year’s Eve was spent with Sean and the kids.  Sophia was sick, but we had a toast anyhow.  I looked at my two children and I knew what I had—have.  I looked at Sean and I knew I was born under a lucky sign.

As a child, I thought the way you left your home was to get married.  I wanted to find someone to take me away and take care of me and make my life good.  Sean spun past me and I dug my claws in deep with desperation.  I was a little girl, but I was determined.  I used to think that I forced my will and love on him, but I now know the truth.  He was just as desperate to find someone to ground him so his ego didn’t fly him off into a life of misery.  We spun away and he made my life good as I learned to do it myself and I kept him grounded as he became a man and grounded himself.

It will be two years in April.  My life completely fell apart.  Some of you know how close it all came to annihilation of the soul.  I didn’t write during that time.  I stayed in bed.  I stayed in bed drugged and usually drunk.  I stayed in bed for about a year.  My brother Nick came and helped Sean take care of the kids for 6 of those months.  My brother Sean would ride in to try to shake a smile out of me.  My parents came and called and sent in the troops when needed.  Vanessa dragged me out of bed when she could and listened to desperate pleas from Sean.  Many other friends and family did what they could or didn’t .  Somehow I was dragged, helped, carried, supported and deposited to this new place.

This new place isn’t perfect.  I still have a lot of work to do, but even if I stay here, it will be okay.  Sean and my kids are still here.  Most of my friends and family are still here.  Those that I have lost, I don’t miss.

2012 is an important year.  I have set goals for myself.  I am off most of the meds.  I just started being able to sleep without a sleeping pill.  2012 is going to be better than 2011, which was not better than 2010.  I say this all from a perch as high as the moon, yet I know it is true.

I miss my baby brother.  I miss Tom.  I miss him, but he is gone and I have to live my life without him.  I am starting to live my life again.  I am reaching out and trying to be there for friends more than they have to be there for me.

Even when I am not flying, I smile and even laugh.  I have more than my share. I have a good life.  In 2012 I will make it an even better life.

 

 

 

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nothing to say

i have been wanting to write for a long time, but know that there isn’t much more to say.  tom died.  people are moving on.  it was my fault.  it wasn’t my fault.  depression. crying. getting better.  getting worse. changed. different. love. blah…the story of grief is boring and repetitive. there have been some developments in my life, but sitting down and writing about it hasn’t been a focus. 

both of my kids are in school for hours and hours.  i have from 9  until 2:30 to clean, work, sleep, stare, knit, email or whatever the hell i want to do.  work has been hard for me.  i think i might have lost a client through this ordeal.  i just wasn’t getting things done as quickly as i used to and i think they just got tired of it.  sean thinks i should start studying data base systems since HTML skills are not retaining their market value.  i still can stay some what busy, but not busy enough.  i have friends who own a painting/remoldeling business and i asked if i could join the crew. i started this week and the peace it brought me was amazing.  i worked on staining a deck.  i focused on one piece at a time and moved the brush over the wood – back and forth, back and forth – for 4 to 5 hours.  i listened to the other people on the crew talk and i just kept on moving the brush.  at the end of the day, i cleaned up the brushes and folded up the drop clothe and then picked up isaac.  i made dinner and helped isaac with his homework and then sat on the couch and knit.  knitting and painting require the same patience. they both clear my mind, but the painting also made me move.  i don’t know how long this will last, but i must say it kept me saner than sitting at the computer and managing clients.

my dad was here for a few days this week.  i love my dad.  my kids love their grandpa.

i am thinking about going to a suicide support group again.  i want to talk about tom and talk about his suicide, but i feel like i can’t talk about it with anyone i know any longer.  i want to call tom’s friends and cry and make them tell me stories about him and tell them how horrible i feel, but it seems like those favours are all used up.  they tell me they are here for me and they have my back and are stepping up, but they aren’t tom and i am not their sister and i feel like a vampire on the phone with them now.  i feel like a dirty reminder or what happened. 

i am cooking and baking again.  i am also reading a lot.  things are good.  things are getting better.  i am surrounded by good people and i have fucking perfect children.  i am a pretty good mama.  i have the resources i need to get my life all back.  i sometimes just don’t want it back.  i am good.  i am better.  i am no longer broken just scared.  i will not be the same person i was before and i am okay with that. 

tom doesn’t come to me in dreams any more.  tom is not with me.  i miss my baby brother.

out and about at one of the best weddings i have ever been to.

Just a day

sophia and maya slept in until it was almost time for them to go.  they are going with tom and chal to milwaukee to see jeff beck.  i don’t know who jeff beck is, but this somehow is supposed to make them way cooler than their parents.  i hope they have fun.  they will.  they are always spoiled by tom and chal and the hotel has a swimming pool.  i think all will go well.

felix came and hung out with us.  isaac and he played and threw snap its and i lit a few morny glories for them.  then laz came by and he just followed around the older boys and was purely entertained just with that.  they painted and ran and played with the kitten.  felix left and laz hung out longer.  i love having laz around.  he has huge brown eyes and the cutest cheeks and moves around the house doing things that 2 year old are supposed to do.  i have been enjoying days that are filled with kids.  i can just follow them around and refill cups of water and put out snacks and look in wonder at a bug or dirt or a newly discovered hole and all is good. 

i thought about tom a bit.  i talked to both of my parents and he came up.  i feel like i am floating down the river a bit.  i am following the current and not to worried about the surroundings.  i always feel like i am cheating when i am at these resting times.  i feel like either the drugs are giving me a break i don’t deserve or that i am going to pay for this down time with a big slap in the face suddenly.  at some point today, i was talking to sean and i almost started to cry, but i stopped.  i just didn’t want to cry.  i just didn’t want to talk or cry so i stopped and walked out of the room and stared at isaac. 

i am so happy with how my relationship with sean has been changing.  there are few people in the world i feel so unjudged by.  even if he doesn’t agree with what i am saying he just lets it be my words or thoughts.  i think he is so condident in his thoughts and ideas that he is never threatened by mine so they can just be.  i can just say whatever i want and he can laugh at me or agree or support and he feels untthreatened or pressured.  it is so interesting to hear his mind working.  he is coming to visit soon and i am excited for myself and the kids.  it should be good. 

scott m is coming too.  scott and i have never talked about the day tom died.  i think one of the afternoons or evening we are going to sit down and i will go over those last hours i had on the phone with tom.  i talked to timmy for a long time last night.  i was telling him about how i am searching for some key and i am at the point where i just can’t make sense of tom’s suicide.  he reminded me how important it is to keep the everyday neautiful in focus.  like talking to my neighbor about gardening and then learning we have a bond we didn’t know before and reaching out to each other about it.  he told me to focus on the good.  i am trying to.  i am trying to find the magic in the world again.  i am looking for it in kids and animals and trees.  i looked at the moon a bit yesterday, but my breath was not caught.  soon, soon the beauty of the moon has to come back to me. 

i have a few days to figure out how i am going to keep an extra two men in my tiny house.  i know it will be good.  i will take them to the beach and maybe head downtown.  i will try a motorcycle ride with sean and maybe all head down to china town.  we will talk about tom and try to laugh. 

i will close my eyes tonight and again wish for another dream with tom in it. 

i know this post sounds distant and off.  i feel very distant.  i feel like there is so much i need to write, but it is all buried for now.  that is fine.  i will work on my sweater (which is going to be too big, damn it!!!!!) and hang out with sean.  i will focus on the good.  yesterday i was feeling like this huge mistake for sean.  his family rarely has drama and i sometimes wonder if he would have married some nice protestant girl from rocky river or never married, he would be living a much less stressful life.  i used to feel like i earned my place in his soul.  i have just felt like a drain over the passed 2 years.  i know this will pass.  i just want to get back to my strong self again.

For Reals?

This is my third day of feeling human.  I think the Zoloft is kicking in.  I remember about a month ago I had a really good day and then fell down a hole so dark and deep I thought I was splitting apart.  I am hoping this is the real deal, because I think I can handle this.  I have to admit I feel a little guilty about how I feel.  I am thinking I am cheating and not honoring Tom’s death by taking the easy way out.  I don’t want to go back to sleeping 15 hours a day and sobbing all the time, but it felt like the appropriate response to losing Tom from such a violent death.  Suicide seemed like the way I should react.  Now that I don’t want to die, I feel like a bit of denial has slipped into my brain. 

I told both Vanessa and my mom that I think the denial is good.  I am okay with a break for both me and my family.  Sean is out tonight.  He has not gone out by himself since this happened.  He has hardly had a moment for himself since April 8th. There is no way he could have gone out a week ago.  I would have let the kids watch movies until midnight while I cried in bed or on the phone.  I am in a space with Tom still alive.  I mean, I do understand that he died, but i also don’t believe it.  I just couldn’t handle the pain any longer.  Sophia told me when we went to Ohio she just pretended Tom died in an accident.  Every once in awhile the suicide reality would creep into her mind and she would get upset and then push it aside again.  She told me it helped her get through the week we spent there.  Once she was home and back to her routine she started processing the fact that Tom had killed himself.  I think I spent the last 9 weeks processing the fact that Tom committed suicide and now I need a break before I start dealing with his death. 

The guilt has been buried a bit.  My brother Sean has helped me with that so much.  I just couldn’t stop replaying those hours and knowing I had done so much wrong and let him die.  I am happy to let that go for now; I have a feeling it will find a way back at some point.  The other thing I have a hard time getting out of my head is the terror of the last moment of his life.  Did he put the gun in his mouth or to his temple and what was he thinking? How quickly did he pull the trigger?  How bad did it hurt?  Could he feel his brains leaving his body?  As his heart slowed down, was he aware and regretted anything or was he begging for it to end quickly and the hell to end? Or was it instant? I want to know.  I want to know the truth. I want to know if he suffered in his last moments even more than the last year of his emotional torture.  The horror and gore of his death haunts me.  As I have mentioned before, I regret not saying good-bye to his body.  To have seen him dead might have given me peace.  It might have given me an image to replace the unknown which replays over and over.  I am hoping this fades along with so many other nightmares his death has left me with.

I spent the afternoon at the beach.  Isaac and I hung out together for an hour and just played in the sand.  Then Kris and Felix showed up and the boys jumped in the water and rolled in the sand.  They are such good friends and I love watching them play together.  Kris and I sat on our blankets and chatted.  I still feel like I am not 100% there or here or whatever.  I am smiling, but not laughing.  I feel so changed and when I am around people the feeling is amplified.  I am not the same person anymore.  Vanessa and Jenny both said they heard my voice for the first time today, but I don’t know who is behind the voice.  I feel human again, but I feel like I need to find out who this human is.  I am not sure what it means for all of my relationships.  All of my relationships were based on a different Kim.  How will I hold on to friendships if I don’t start laughing and gossiping and eating and drinking and reading books and talking about things other than Tom? 

Sean and Tom trouble makers, brothers and best of friends

My mom said when people tell her they can’t imagine what she is going through she responds with, “I can’t imagine it either”.  I think that is another part of this new place I am in.  Sue wrote me asking me how I was doing it.  In many ways it is from all the people around me checking in through email, text, phone and facebook, but in other ways i can’t imagine how i am doing it either.  I look at the flowers in my garden every day when I pass them waiting for them to fill my heart with wonder.  I look at the cranes Sue made me every day and remember I have a strong group holding me up.  I am trying to create little routines to check my progress and to remind me that i am doing it. 

I am less worried about my dad tonight.  My brother is back in town and he will be a pillar of strength for him. 

Tomorrow is thursday and thursday always suck.  I have my fingers crossed that i will hold onto the clarity i have today as i move through another marker of tom’s passing.  i won’t look at our texts that sit on my phone and i might even skip looking at any photos of him.  i might swim in denial for a little while longer and pretend he is on the boat and our schedules are opposite.