Archive for the ‘DMX’ Tag

I cooked today

I cooked and baked today.  I have put together meals since april, but nothing real and substantial.  i woke up and decided to make ratatouille.  i walked over to the cermak and purchased the extra ingredients i needed, came home and started chopping.  ratatouille takes a couple of hours to make.  there is a lot of chopping and sauteing and then bringing everything together in a big dutch oven to stew for an additional hour or so.  i knew the ratatouille needed bread so i actually made bread also.  i made a rosemary and kalamata olive recipe from my friend kris.  the kids smiled and jumped and tore into the bread with total glee. my back was killing me after i was done, but i was happy to have finally made a meal with some love in it.  i scooped some into a couple of jars and brought walked some over to vanessa and paul’s and tom and chal’s place. 

the zoloft and abilify are working.  i was getting worried for a few days because the tears were flowing again.  i was being haunted by tom’s suicide again.  i was remembering the moment my dad called and how i screamed into the phone and could barely breath.  i was remembering our last words and wanting to go back to april and somehow try to stop him again.  i wanted a do-over and i never want do-overs.  i was begging the universe to give tom back to us.  i felt childish and wanted to throw things and shatter glass.  i still can be brought to my knees when i think too hard about tom or for too long, but i am not feeling haunted.

i listened to metallica’s “fade to black” this morning and had mixed emotions.  i was greatful for them trying to capture the blackness tom was feeling, but also knew they really had know idea.  who the fuck were they to try to pretend they knew.  a bullet never crossed their skulls.  they never faded to black as blood covered their cell phone.  who were they to make money off of the true pain of suicide.  i am mostly listening to hip hop at the moment.  i try to listen to other music, but anything that tugs at my heart tears it open and i bleed out.  i drive home after dropping phia off at taft and sob if anything, but DMX or even something soft like B.o.B. is blasting from my stereo. 

i am getting better, but i am different.  i am changed.  i don’t know how much of the change is forever.  i don’t know who i will be when i wake up tomorrow.  i am softer and harder.  i am closed and open.  i am changed from tom’s suicide. i am changed from the violence of his last act.  i am changed from losing a best friend and a brother. i am also changed from the zoloft and abilify.  i am changed from grieving and from recovering.  i see myself but don’t fully recognize the eyes looking back at me.