sad

not sure why.  had a good session (i really don’t like that term) with my therapist david.  i like working with him and he gave me some great advice to think about this week.  you know, about stuff.  stuff to make me better, to interpret things differently, to open my eyes about, to view the world or relationships from another angle.  i cried, as usual.  took up more time, as usual.  i left feeling pretty good, but it faded fast and it is now almost 2:00 and i am not a happy camper.  i keep crying unless my head is buried in a crappy show.  i couldn’t even engage in a proper debate about my love of unions with someone so excited about union dues being diverted…blah…blah..blah.  i can write about that shit for hours.  waste plenty of good cleaning and cooking time just writing about that subject alone.

maybe looking at tom’s photos were harder than i thought.  maybe david bringing up sophia’s graduation hit a nerve, because i did post a photo of tom today on my facebook page and commented on how she was about to graduate.  i told him she had tested in to this “special” academic center the night before he died.  maybe writing that he died is doing it, because i am crying worse now.  

died.  i have been saying died recently.  i used to say, “shot himself in the head,” or “committed suicide.” now i only say he committed suicide when i have to give a list of my drugs to a new doctor because i need a reason to be on any of them.

in general, things have been good.  vanessa sent a text with a abandoned kitten.  i brought her home and she is a lot of work.  she has kept me busy and i love taking care of babies.  i loved taking care of my human babies.  i really wanted another one after tom died.  toronto kiki chicken, as the newborn kitten has been named, really fills a lot of those mama activities and it has been good.  i am a good mom.  it is one of the things that i am really good at.  i am not perfect, but it is one of the best jobs i have ever done.  i have never tired of it and i give them a lot.  they are amazing, but we are done having kids and i need to figure out how to channel my energy into something else.  the computer work is fine sometimes, but i don’t know if i will be able to keep up with the pace.  it moves so quickly.

ImageI have been thinking about this guy a lot also.  i know how lucky i am to have him.  i know that.  our 19 year wedding anniversary was the other day.  i love this photo.  it captures the sadness in my eyes that *i* feel is the new me.  the one i posted the other day, was just a blip on the scan of my weeks.  it caught me out after a night with amazing women who make me laugh and who have stood by me in different ways through out all of this.  it captured the spark.  this shows the lights are out.  i love the image of sean, because he never smiles in photos, but he is smiling.  he is smiling and we are together, partners in crime, as we have been for 22 years.  i am so fucking lucky to have him in my life.  i know he is lucky also, but these two years…

i am doing better.  i am getting better.  i am smiling more at people and making small talk.  i am doing better.  i am taking my drugs and i am doing better.  i am going to therapy and i am doing better.  i keep waiting for summer and the beach, because i know things will be better on the beach. they always are.

i miss my brother sean.  i want to ask him to come out, but that man has come out so many times.  i just miss him.  he has been such a wonderful support to me.  my mom is coming soon and we are all so happy.  

the kids love her so damn much.  they have such a great relationship.  it is a different relationship than they have with me so i sit back and watch it in wonder and am happy.  i am happy for my mom to have these two awesome kids love her so much and see her as this amazing person and i am happy for my kids to have this bond with her.  she will be at sophia’s graduation.  my big girl getting ready for high school.  i am glad my mom will be there to see it.

okay.  i wrote.  i cried.  now, i will just wait for the meds to kick in and hope the crying is over for the day.

i am getting better.  i will go to your party, probably instead of there not being a chance.  

i will knit this weekend.  i need to finish my summer sweater.  i will go to a party.  i will empty the dishwasher and fill it.  i will do a little more than just be a good mama.  maybe i will even read about data bases. 

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2 comments so far

  1. lovehaunt on

    I have lived through tremendous pain and grief, also. Different from your, but the worst thing I have ever survived. I’ve just started writing about it and it helps. Hang in there. Time really does take the sting out. I’m sorry for your loss.

    • Crabby in Chicago on

      thank you for your comment. yes, grief and pain comes from many places, doesn’t it? i have subscribed to your blog and am excited to read about your journey through this crazy world!!! take care.


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