Sun and the smell of dirt

i fell again.  the hole was much shallower, but i fell down the hole and stayed put for a few months.  the strain of my husband is starting to show.  little tiny cracks that he bandages quickly and stoically moves on. stoically moves on with his wounds never attended to as i continue to lick mine in a corner by myself.

i love being by myself now.  i could spend a week without any contact except through the computer and texts.  

i am on a new drug.  cymbalta is going to try to boost my mood, while i work with a new therapist to unwind my grief.  in all honesty, i really don’t think tom is dead.  if he came to my door right now, i would just hug him and offer to make scones.  i don’t know how to accept his death.  i know how to feel depressed by it and become a person that i loathe by it, but i don’t know how to accept that he is gone.   

i like my new therapist.  he gave me a book by epictetus. i will start to read it tonight and see how it sets. i finished the hunger game series which just got me all worked up about how the war is eating away at our children’s souls. think it is time for some adult reading.  

i am following the chicago bulls as they fall apart.  i am watching the heat and thinking about the discussions tom and i would be having about it all and wondering how much money he would be winning or losing along the way.  

india sent me a blog started by a sibling recovering from the loss of her brother to suicide.  http://carryingon1.blogspot.com/2012/05/goodbye-curtis.html?showComment=1336655983060#c5025318310674928345

kind of a long address, but it was good for me to see someone else dealing with the grief of losing a brother.  i will try to follow her through her journey.  

vanessa has been handing out words.  words i have never heard from her before.  they are reaching something inside, but i don’t know…i will keep moving forward and hope to catch up to a place that i can understand and fully show up at her doorstep a whole person again.

janet calls during her commute a lot and we try to catch up.  we both have our own things, but i dominate the conversation.  i have a list for anyone who wants to listen to me any more.  the list has not shrunk.  the list still includes all the old crap and there is always something new to mix in.

i am trying to focus on what i am doing instead of what i am failing to do.  i am still failing to do so much.  the list becomes overwhelming and i decide i hate the person i am now and if this is who i have to live with for the rest of my life…well…it is not going to be an enjoyable trip.  focusing on what i am accomplishing helps some, but then i worry i am letting myself off the hook.

i will come through this different.  new.  better. changed. all of this is supposed to be okay.  all of this is supposed to make me fight it less…i think.  maybe it is to make me accept it.  maybe it is to make me struggle less so i can rise from the quicksand.  the problem is that quicksand isn’t real.  it is from the movies.  i think the new shiny and better person with the new haircut and better hygiene is also a plot from the movies.  i look at how much i have aged in the past two years.  how long i go between dying my hair or hopping in the shower or washing the floors and i wonder how this is going to end.  when will the big loofa come and scrub off all the dead skin cells and reveal this stronger human.  work, work, work. i am working and will keep my eyes out for the hollywood me.  until then, i will count what i get done.

blogged. check. went out and laughed 3 months ago. check!Image

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4 comments so far

  1. Gail Foley on

    Lets face it the shower does feel good…and when the house is clean a calming sets in even if because we are tired from cleaning…when our hair and a little makeup are in place the women in the mirror looks back at us a wink in the eye..yes i am getting better…and when my family sees me they worry less and they also feel a healing for themselves..it’s a circle and as we rotate the are bumps..but drama is one thing i will not let in..i will win alot of hollywood awards for those who meet up with me in the public eye they will never know the wonders of my heart and soul..i have to many in my life that i love and love me and i will do my best to let them know and not to let them down..they are a part of me…as for my son Tom he walks with me every day…he is held in my heart and soul and for what ever reason which i will never know he has given his life so other may live i only pray that those chosen ones enjoy their life as if today were to be their last…yes i stuble i fall but i hear Tom say get up ..you are ok..with a grin and wink he says Mom no Drama..and we smile … i miss Tom, i wait for that call…so i go in my head and we talk…..

  2. Crabby in Chicago on

    mom, i was just talking about the strength that you show. i know, that your pain is overwhelming but you keep moving forward in a way that shames me. i look to you in wonder and feel so lame. i always knew you were strong, but what you have shown in the past two years goes beyond that. yes, there is an academy award to be handed out to you, but there is also something more. love you.

    • Gail F on

      kim i wasn’t judging you i hope you know that..just saying what helps me..a shower or cleaning ..hair oh the difference in a good hair day…anyway..all in time we get a little stronger and in our own way..you are on the right road and yes the up and down is normal …you are having more up than down..i send my love and heart to you…


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