nothing to say

i have been wanting to write for a long time, but know that there isn’t much more to say.  tom died.  people are moving on.  it was my fault.  it wasn’t my fault.  depression. crying. getting better.  getting worse. changed. different. love. blah…the story of grief is boring and repetitive. there have been some developments in my life, but sitting down and writing about it hasn’t been a focus. 

both of my kids are in school for hours and hours.  i have from 9  until 2:30 to clean, work, sleep, stare, knit, email or whatever the hell i want to do.  work has been hard for me.  i think i might have lost a client through this ordeal.  i just wasn’t getting things done as quickly as i used to and i think they just got tired of it.  sean thinks i should start studying data base systems since HTML skills are not retaining their market value.  i still can stay some what busy, but not busy enough.  i have friends who own a painting/remoldeling business and i asked if i could join the crew. i started this week and the peace it brought me was amazing.  i worked on staining a deck.  i focused on one piece at a time and moved the brush over the wood – back and forth, back and forth – for 4 to 5 hours.  i listened to the other people on the crew talk and i just kept on moving the brush.  at the end of the day, i cleaned up the brushes and folded up the drop clothe and then picked up isaac.  i made dinner and helped isaac with his homework and then sat on the couch and knit.  knitting and painting require the same patience. they both clear my mind, but the painting also made me move.  i don’t know how long this will last, but i must say it kept me saner than sitting at the computer and managing clients.

my dad was here for a few days this week.  i love my dad.  my kids love their grandpa.

i am thinking about going to a suicide support group again.  i want to talk about tom and talk about his suicide, but i feel like i can’t talk about it with anyone i know any longer.  i want to call tom’s friends and cry and make them tell me stories about him and tell them how horrible i feel, but it seems like those favours are all used up.  they tell me they are here for me and they have my back and are stepping up, but they aren’t tom and i am not their sister and i feel like a vampire on the phone with them now.  i feel like a dirty reminder or what happened. 

i am cooking and baking again.  i am also reading a lot.  things are good.  things are getting better.  i am surrounded by good people and i have fucking perfect children.  i am a pretty good mama.  i have the resources i need to get my life all back.  i sometimes just don’t want it back.  i am good.  i am better.  i am no longer broken just scared.  i will not be the same person i was before and i am okay with that. 

tom doesn’t come to me in dreams any more.  tom is not with me.  i miss my baby brother.

out and about at one of the best weddings i have ever been to.

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