Archive for October, 2010|Monthly archive page

grief on the move

tom chased me down and found me at work today.  part of the reason i started working outside the home was to get away from the thoughts and memories of tom.  i figured if i physically worked my body and meditated on my work, that i wouldn’t have the luxury to be melodramatic.  today i had on headphones and listed to a mix sean had made me.  i am thinking the music was a bad idea.  if i get called into work tomorrow, i will skip the headphones.  the grief followed me home and through the evening.  i finally called my brother sean and asked him to tell me that tom didn’t hate me when he died. 

i know tom loved me.  i know tom was trying to give me closure on the day he died, but i also know he was pushing me away.  the thought of tom dying with ill will towards me was too much to bear.  sean talked me through some tears and then i let him get back to his night.

i am not sure why my heart has been so heavy these last few days.  jenny is coming to visit me soon and i have been trying to focus on that.  it will be so good to see her.  she radiates with love and knows me in a way no one else does.  she knows the dorky 10 year old in me and the impossible 14 year old.  jenny was one of the few people i talked to about the horrible fight tom and i had when it happened.  i also talked to her the day tom died as i walked to the car rental place.  she always  knows what to say.

i am still not sure why my heart has been heavy.  i feel so shifted and am not sure who i am in many ways.  i used to thrive on politics and the news.  now i just want to read the sports section.  i actually read sport illustrated at the orthodontist’s office.  i listen to a weekly podcast “Hang up and listen” which is all about sports.  i feel desperate and careless at the same time.  i both want to hold people close with my claws firmly in place to keep them near and i feel a true lack of ability to connect. i do feel closer to sophia and isaac.  i am a better parent than i was before tom died.  i am more patient and focused on both of them. 

i am a better parent in most ways.  i let isaac’s cavities go for six months, which means he is getting caps instead of easy fillings.  i fought back tears and let my stomach churn and brow beat myself and then let it go.  we saw the dentist before isaac’s tonsils were removed.  tom died two weeks after isaac’s surgery.  i lost my mind.  i had surgery.  i went to the dentist.  i could have done better, but i didn’t .  story over.

i slowed down on my cooking, but that could just be because is has been in the 80’s.  i am going to get some dough fermenting tomorrow and grocery shopping must be done.  i will fill the house with warm bread and continue to reinforce sophia and isaac’s memories of homecooking.

fall is my favorite season.  i have been trying to take in all the beauty and smells that surround me every day.  the leaves are falling from the trees like rain and i point them out to the children and try to inspire awe in them.  the beauty in fall is so dream like and the sounds add to the dreamscape.  it is hard for me to frown in the face of such amazing beauty. 

i miss my baby brother.  i will never be able to replace him.  i end this post with a cliche and i don’t even care.

halloween project with the kids.

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nothing to say

i have been wanting to write for a long time, but know that there isn’t much more to say.  tom died.  people are moving on.  it was my fault.  it wasn’t my fault.  depression. crying. getting better.  getting worse. changed. different. love. blah…the story of grief is boring and repetitive. there have been some developments in my life, but sitting down and writing about it hasn’t been a focus. 

both of my kids are in school for hours and hours.  i have from 9  until 2:30 to clean, work, sleep, stare, knit, email or whatever the hell i want to do.  work has been hard for me.  i think i might have lost a client through this ordeal.  i just wasn’t getting things done as quickly as i used to and i think they just got tired of it.  sean thinks i should start studying data base systems since HTML skills are not retaining their market value.  i still can stay some what busy, but not busy enough.  i have friends who own a painting/remoldeling business and i asked if i could join the crew. i started this week and the peace it brought me was amazing.  i worked on staining a deck.  i focused on one piece at a time and moved the brush over the wood – back and forth, back and forth – for 4 to 5 hours.  i listened to the other people on the crew talk and i just kept on moving the brush.  at the end of the day, i cleaned up the brushes and folded up the drop clothe and then picked up isaac.  i made dinner and helped isaac with his homework and then sat on the couch and knit.  knitting and painting require the same patience. they both clear my mind, but the painting also made me move.  i don’t know how long this will last, but i must say it kept me saner than sitting at the computer and managing clients.

my dad was here for a few days this week.  i love my dad.  my kids love their grandpa.

i am thinking about going to a suicide support group again.  i want to talk about tom and talk about his suicide, but i feel like i can’t talk about it with anyone i know any longer.  i want to call tom’s friends and cry and make them tell me stories about him and tell them how horrible i feel, but it seems like those favours are all used up.  they tell me they are here for me and they have my back and are stepping up, but they aren’t tom and i am not their sister and i feel like a vampire on the phone with them now.  i feel like a dirty reminder or what happened. 

i am cooking and baking again.  i am also reading a lot.  things are good.  things are getting better.  i am surrounded by good people and i have fucking perfect children.  i am a pretty good mama.  i have the resources i need to get my life all back.  i sometimes just don’t want it back.  i am good.  i am better.  i am no longer broken just scared.  i will not be the same person i was before and i am okay with that. 

tom doesn’t come to me in dreams any more.  tom is not with me.  i miss my baby brother.

out and about at one of the best weddings i have ever been to.