Archive for May, 2010|Monthly archive page

Monday at home.

I think I worked out a lot emotions yesterday. Today I mostly floated around and stayed close to home. I went to the woods with Vanessa and talked to her a bit about my break down the night before. The rain came and we got the boys home before the storm set in. My fear of Sean being disgusted by me was partially laid to rest by Nessa. In the end, even if the worse occurs and he looks up at my snotty tear stained face and becomes disgusted it will not cancel out 20 years of hard work. I sort of know this to be true, but sort of don’t.

I could feel a little bit more of a connection with Sean today. I think it is rare that he rises up and sets me straight sternly and when it happens it shifts things around a bit and we both feel better. I wrote him a long letter and tried to be the old Kim for part of the day. I have asked him to design a new tattoo for me. I was about to run out and get a hand gun with the caption, “Suicide Ruined My Life, ” but thought i might not be thinking clearly. I am excited about the design I came up with. I wish I could draw so I could just sit down and do it myself. Sean will make it work, but it will have to be on his time and sometimes I can be impatient.

I still feel as if I am not facing Tom’s death. It is too much. He was so alive and big and full of an energy that few people possess. Just facing the fact that his life energy is gone is hard enough to look at, but then acknowledging the loss of Tom makes me stop breathing. I just can’t look at it right now.

Can't really be gone

I spent a long time on the phone with my brother Nick. I miss him and really want a brother here in Chicago. If Sean wasn’t married, I would be bugging him to come and see me. He has offered to come, but I just feel like I need to respect his time with Mary. I love Mary as a sister and I don’t want to step or overstep. Nick, on the other hand, is alone in California and I don’t feel wierd about begging him to either move or visit Chicago. I need a Foley around me.

Before Tom died, I spent a lot of time reading about politics. I signed up to volunteer for the governer’s race, I read, read, read and talked, talked, talked about politics. It excited me and I love debating about it or agreeing about it. I have started reading again, but I just don’t care. I am also trying to wrap my head around the oil spill, but again I just don’t care. Bombs could fly or the ocean could fill with oil and I would be sitting at home crocheting and trying to figure out how I am going to navigate this next year and still have friends and family around me. I am thinking this is completely normal.

I feel like there is a lot more I need to say, but I feel foggy. I talked a lot today. I talked with Nick and Jenny amd Janet V. for a long time each. Janet was telling me I should write about the food people have brought me recently to fatten me up.

Friends Tom and Chal have dropped off food a number of times. The new thing that Tom does is drop off a cake doughnut dipped in chocolate. I don’t even tell the kids about it and I eat the enire thing. Last time he brought me two and I still didn’t even share with Sean. Janet M. dropped off the most amazing brownies and I ate most of them by myself. I offered the kids a few, but I just couldn’t stop eating them. Cassie and Venessa have both offered to bring me high fat meals, but I just don’t even know how to ask for help or a meal. It has been helping because I am starting to put on or at least maintain my weight. As I have mentioned before, I am being held up by an amazing group of people. Every text, email, facebook post, telephone call, surprise bag left on my doorstep or eye contact has kept me from drowning. I was really contemplating ending it all a couple of weeks ago. I could not see an end and I wasn’t even being a good parent anyhow, so ending it made sense to me. I wanted to try to make it look like an accident. I figured Sean would move back to Ohio and Sean and Mary and my folks and Sean’s folks would give my two babies a much better life than I could since I broke. I don’t know how I got out of that hole, but I do know I wouldn’t have without the people surrounding me. Even though I feel very alone and isolated there is a part of me that knows there is a battalion on constant watch. With all of them, no one is going to let me fall through the cracks of my fractured mind or soul.

I am a lucky human.


Magic wand missing

I have so much to write about, but I don’t think I will be able to fit it all tonight.  It has been a long day and I have been wanting to sit down and write, but just haven’t been able to work it into the day.  I really wanted to clean my damn floors.  I wanted to dye my hair thinking it would prove that I am still alive and care.  I wanted to shower for the same reason. The kids were great and stayed busy. 

Friends stopped by for tea and light snacks.  They came by soon after I had returned from Cleveland and I don’t really remember the visit well.  He had lost his brother to suicide also and I think he talked to me about it, but I was so lost inside my head and grief was all I could hear that I don’t remember any of it.  He also sent me a few email, which were very helpful and I wrote a few back.  I was thinking we would talk a little more about it, but instead we just hung out like two normal couples and talked about work and kids and the crazy world we live in.  Towards the end, I even joined in with a funny story and for a few moments felt like I was sort of connected again with the world.

The biggest thing destroying my progess right now is this feeling of disconect.  I don’t care too much about it, but I feel it with Sean and it makes me want to pull my hair out.  Sean and I have a magical relationship, because I fucking stir up potions.  I work over boiling pots after digging for rare herbs and gems. I create these potions and I slip them into his home cooked meals and rub them into his temples and spray them on our bed sheets.  Because of this when you look at us through volcanic dust you will see beams of light connecting us.  Some of these lights are thick and twisted and multicolored and others are hair thin and made of glass.  I have lost all my magical abilities and I am pretty sure each and every tie has been broken.  We are left with the natural ties to bind.  We are left with parenthood and history and debt and photos and some marriage certificate from 17 years ago.  I am a broken women and I see his disgust at times.  He loves strong women.  He tells me he likes getting the chance to see his own strength now that I am down for the count, but he loves strong women and I am weak.  I am withered and powerless.  I hide my tears in the shower and I attempt to rub his head, but without the magic it might as well be his mom.

The loneliness and fear I have at the moment is very overwhelming.  Two people have told me the Zoloft might be making me feel this disconnect.  Maybe it is true with the people in my outer circles, but with Sean it is different. 

Sean just pulled me away after reading my draft and pretty much told me I am wrong.  I am not the only one who has made the marriage work, which is most likely true.  He also thinks I am thinking about too many things at once, which might be also be  true.

I had an odd thing happen yesterday, which might be contributing to my feelings of vulerability.  A person I had let into my inner circle for no other reason than she had also lost her brother to suicide has left without a word.  I am sure my neediness was a little much or maybe my questions and her answers were bringing up old issues about her brother, but it was abrupt and without explaination.  I hate humans and love humans.  I love being around them and smile and tell them my story and let them just so close.  I save my heart for a very limited few.  I let this person in closer than I should.  I did out of desperation.  Our stories seemed so similar.

Anyhow, one of my big fears is that I am going to wake up from this nightmare and everyone is going to be gone.  I am not fun to be around.  I cry a lot.  I produce lots of snot.  I don’t cook yummy meals.  I barely keep the house in order.  I don’t really laugh at much.  I mean, I can barely be around myself.  Sticking around and waiting for Kim to come back is easy if it happens in a few weeks, but I am gone.  I don’t know who or what will replace the old Kim when the dust settles.  So, I fear and almost dare people to leave.  Well, this person seems to have left.  It made me face a fear of mine and it has thrown me for a loop. 

So now I am looking for my magic wand.  I am not sure, if I can even lift it anymore.

Long weekend


Yesterday evening was a little difficult.  I reread the ritual my cousin Brian did for my brother and it was very difficult to sit with.  I am such a non-believer and the thought that someone was able to talk and see and really communicate and bring peace to Tom was so confusing to me.  I called my mom to tell her about it, the call was made to try to bring her peace, but instead I just broke down crying.  After I got off the phone and calmed down, my dad called and I broke down again.  Then my brother Sean called, “Hey little-big sister.”  I can’t remember if tears flowed during that conversation, but he is an even harder core atheist than me, so it didn’t shift anything in him. 

I want to see Tom.  I want to talk to Tom.  I want Tom to tell me everything is okay and bring my soul some relief.  I am walking around so much heavier now.  The amount of effort to smile or do the dishes or move from one activity to the next is sometimes overwhelming.  The only thing that is easy is to walk to bed, crawl under the covers and sleep.  I can sleep. 

Today, I thought about going to the beach.  Marcy is in town and there will be a crew there, but Sophia has a birthday party so we have some errands.  I don’t know how many people I could really be around anyhow.  Vanessa is taking Isaac to the Carnival.  I want to meet up with everyone there, because it will be a fun lot.  Su and John and Chrissy and Chad and Vanessa and Paul is a group that can bring out lots of laughter.  I will have to see.  Someone will have to go pick up my son at some point.

I spent the morning working on my crochet sweater project. It is the most I have sat with it since I started it.  I listed to a Radio Lab about death. There was a guy who jumped off a bridge and survived.  He said the moment his hand left the rail he regretted it.  I did some research trying to figure out how much Tom suffered after he shot himself and it seems like most say he did not.  I told my dad while I was on the phone crying, that I can’t stop thinking about Tom’s last moments and fearing that he suffered and he told me he didn’t think he did.  Well really he told me he didn’t suffer.  He said it was fast.  If it was fast then maybe he didn’t have that moment of regret, which also makes me happy because that would have been a bit of mental torture and his last moments would have been thoughts of regret. 

Today my emotions seem a little further under the surface.  I feel like time is moving slowly and I don’t quite know what to do with myself.  There are dishes and I still need to wash the damn floor.  I haven’t baked bread since my parents were here.  I used to bake bread 3 or more times a week.  I have made bread once since 4/8/2010.  I am eating again and have started gaining weight.  I know things are moving in the right direction.  That is all I know.

Wednesday, Wednesday, Friday

I somehow completely forgot to write yesterday.  I woke up and didn’t want to spoil my higher than normal mood level with a Thursday.  Julie was taking Isaac after school to play with her Isaac, so I had from 9:30 – 2:00 to do anything I wanted.  I could read, crochet, clean, cry, run errands or whatever.  I started the dishes and kept looking at the clock like I do every Thursday.  I know that at 7:20 am we exchanged our first text.  I know around 9 Vanessa showed up and I mimed to her that Tom was talking about killing himself and she started to try to get Isaac out the door.  He knew something was very wrong and decided he didn’t want to go with her.  She bribed him with icecream from across the street and they left for a few.  Tom hung up and my dad called.  My dad had been driving all over Berea looking for him.  He had talked to the police and they had heard anything.  Nessa came back and I was pacing and shaking and telling her I didn’t know what to do.  She was able to get Isaac out of the house, hugged me and told me to keep him on the phone and everything would be okay.  We texted and talked again.  He hung up. I kept calling my brother Sean and Nick.  Sean was on the road and Nick was asleep in California.  I would then call my dad who had the police breaking into Tom’s place to see if he was lying about his location.  I texted Tom again and asked him to talk to me.  Every text, every word out of my mouth was weighed and calculated and not desperate.  I so afraid of pushing him away.  I was so afraid of him not talking to me any more.  I had to keep him talking to me.  Even when he became angry once, I stayed very calm.  The last conversation sticks in my mind the most.  He kept telling me it was done.  It was over.  I kept asking if he had taken something and i could picture him shaking his head in frustration.  his words meant something.  he was saying what he meant.  it was done as soon as the note was written and he drove to the tressels in Berea.  It was over.  He kept saying he wasn’t going back.  He said, “Kim, I am trying to give you closure.  This is happening and you have to accept it.”  I feel like his teeth were slightly clenched.  I was a bit speechless and then he said, “They are coming; I have to go.”  I begged him to talk just a little bit longer with me.  “Tom, Tom, just stay on the phone a little longer.  I want to talk to you a little longer”  He hung up, checked his voice mail and then shot himself.  I still thought he was alive and called my dad to let him know, I knew for sure he wasn’t at his house because I could hear the traffic.  He was in the car with my mom and they were on their way done there.  They got there and the police told them that Tom had shot himself about 5 minutes before.  They talked to the police for awhile and then called my mom’s doctor.  On their way to his office my dad called me and said, “Tommy’s no longer with us.”  All I could do was scream.  I screamed louder than I ever have in my life.  I screamed over and over and over and over again.  I told my dad I couldn’t talk and hung up on him and just walked around the house screaming, “NO!”  or just screaming a blood letting scream.  I finally called Vanessa and yelled and screamed and cried in the phone telling her, “He’s dead.  He’s dead.  He fucking shot himself. He’s dead.”  Vanessa stayed very calm and said some soothing things and then kept isaac. 

I paced the house until sean came home.  i couldnt’ even tell him.  i couldn’t say the words anymore.  I go over these events every thursday.  calling my cousins.  calling my friends.  calling to rent a car.  calling my brother sean.  calling his wife mary.  calling my in-laws.  calling to reserve nick’s tickets.  waiting for phia to come home to tell her that he fun uncle who spoiled her rotten and loved her to death was not only dead but had killed himself.  Thursday’s suck.  So I slept as much of Thursday away as I could.

I told my brother Nick I was now only going to have Wednesday, Wednesday, Friday.  I am going to skip Thursdays for now on. 

Sophia reading to Isaac

Janet came over for dinner last night and we talked a lot.  she lost a sister years ago, but understands the process she took to be whole today.  the one thing i took away from the night is that I can’t be upset with anyone’s anger towards Tom.  Nick has some anger.  He has no more control over that than I do over my sadness.  i think this is a good was for me to look at it.

i took isaac, his friend isaac and laz to the beach today.  i didn’t do a thing.  laz wanted to cuddle on my lap under a blanket most of the time.  so i just cuddled him and watched the two isaacs have fun in the sand.  it was a good day.

i feel something rising to the surface.  i feel like i am having some of the same thoughts, but they aren’t making me feel crazy.  they are there, but at a lower volume.  tears are in my heart.  i really don’t want to cry any more.  i cried last night because when I tried to talk to sean about how i feel like there is a missing string that once connected us i could tell his head was ready to explode.  he is used to me being strong and confident, but i do feel like there is something off.  it could be the change in me or just how tired sean is or nothing.  he said, “let’s just sit on the couch together and watch something.”  i ran into the kitchen and cried like a baby.  i couldn’t stop crying.  i couldn’t stop crying because i know he is here and will be here, i couldn’t stop crying because i was afraid he was sick of me and how the hell is he going to make it through this next year of my grieving. 

uhg…there is so much more to deal with then just Tom being gone.  My cousin Brain performed a buddhist ritual for tom.  it sounded so intense and pushed my aethism.  it made me want to believe something so i could try to talk to him and trust that he would talk to me again .   That he knows and understands now and I don’t need to explain.  The whole thing sounded so healing and beautiful and wonderful and Brian was able to see and talk to Tom through this ritual.  I am so greatful to Brian for doing this and I will email him for more information.

For Reals?

This is my third day of feeling human.  I think the Zoloft is kicking in.  I remember about a month ago I had a really good day and then fell down a hole so dark and deep I thought I was splitting apart.  I am hoping this is the real deal, because I think I can handle this.  I have to admit I feel a little guilty about how I feel.  I am thinking I am cheating and not honoring Tom’s death by taking the easy way out.  I don’t want to go back to sleeping 15 hours a day and sobbing all the time, but it felt like the appropriate response to losing Tom from such a violent death.  Suicide seemed like the way I should react.  Now that I don’t want to die, I feel like a bit of denial has slipped into my brain. 

I told both Vanessa and my mom that I think the denial is good.  I am okay with a break for both me and my family.  Sean is out tonight.  He has not gone out by himself since this happened.  He has hardly had a moment for himself since April 8th. There is no way he could have gone out a week ago.  I would have let the kids watch movies until midnight while I cried in bed or on the phone.  I am in a space with Tom still alive.  I mean, I do understand that he died, but i also don’t believe it.  I just couldn’t handle the pain any longer.  Sophia told me when we went to Ohio she just pretended Tom died in an accident.  Every once in awhile the suicide reality would creep into her mind and she would get upset and then push it aside again.  She told me it helped her get through the week we spent there.  Once she was home and back to her routine she started processing the fact that Tom had killed himself.  I think I spent the last 9 weeks processing the fact that Tom committed suicide and now I need a break before I start dealing with his death. 

The guilt has been buried a bit.  My brother Sean has helped me with that so much.  I just couldn’t stop replaying those hours and knowing I had done so much wrong and let him die.  I am happy to let that go for now; I have a feeling it will find a way back at some point.  The other thing I have a hard time getting out of my head is the terror of the last moment of his life.  Did he put the gun in his mouth or to his temple and what was he thinking? How quickly did he pull the trigger?  How bad did it hurt?  Could he feel his brains leaving his body?  As his heart slowed down, was he aware and regretted anything or was he begging for it to end quickly and the hell to end? Or was it instant? I want to know.  I want to know the truth. I want to know if he suffered in his last moments even more than the last year of his emotional torture.  The horror and gore of his death haunts me.  As I have mentioned before, I regret not saying good-bye to his body.  To have seen him dead might have given me peace.  It might have given me an image to replace the unknown which replays over and over.  I am hoping this fades along with so many other nightmares his death has left me with.

I spent the afternoon at the beach.  Isaac and I hung out together for an hour and just played in the sand.  Then Kris and Felix showed up and the boys jumped in the water and rolled in the sand.  They are such good friends and I love watching them play together.  Kris and I sat on our blankets and chatted.  I still feel like I am not 100% there or here or whatever.  I am smiling, but not laughing.  I feel so changed and when I am around people the feeling is amplified.  I am not the same person anymore.  Vanessa and Jenny both said they heard my voice for the first time today, but I don’t know who is behind the voice.  I feel human again, but I feel like I need to find out who this human is.  I am not sure what it means for all of my relationships.  All of my relationships were based on a different Kim.  How will I hold on to friendships if I don’t start laughing and gossiping and eating and drinking and reading books and talking about things other than Tom? 

Sean and Tom trouble makers, brothers and best of friends

My mom said when people tell her they can’t imagine what she is going through she responds with, “I can’t imagine it either”.  I think that is another part of this new place I am in.  Sue wrote me asking me how I was doing it.  In many ways it is from all the people around me checking in through email, text, phone and facebook, but in other ways i can’t imagine how i am doing it either.  I look at the flowers in my garden every day when I pass them waiting for them to fill my heart with wonder.  I look at the cranes Sue made me every day and remember I have a strong group holding me up.  I am trying to create little routines to check my progress and to remind me that i am doing it. 

I am less worried about my dad tonight.  My brother is back in town and he will be a pillar of strength for him. 

Tomorrow is thursday and thursday always suck.  I have my fingers crossed that i will hold onto the clarity i have today as i move through another marker of tom’s passing.  i won’t look at our texts that sit on my phone and i might even skip looking at any photos of him.  i might swim in denial for a little while longer and pretend he is on the boat and our schedules are opposite.

Making people happy

I got a call from my brother concerned that I was spilling too much on my blog.  I have editted my writing to try to make sure people are comfortable, but in the end I have to learn that I can’t make everyone happy.  I have spent a lot of time trying to make everyone in my family happy and in the end I just piss everyone off. 

I am the oldest of 4.  I have 3 younger brothers.  Tom was my youngest brother.  We all ran into to trouble growing up, but the two youngest were the wildest.  I spent a lot of time calling my parents trying to force reality on them about what was going on or calling my brothers to do the same.  I not sure why I thought it was my job.  At times, I thought it was because I spent a lot of time babysitting so I had more of a babysitter feeling, but really I am just about everything, EVERYTHING being in the open.  I want to strip down naked and rip open my rib cage and reveal my beating heart to every single person in my life.  If they can handle it, then come on and sit down next to me.  In return I look for complete honesty with me and oneself.  This search for honesty causes a lot of head shaking between my brothers. 

A couple of years ago, I had decided I was not going to be the spot light for my parents to view my brothers through.  If they wanted to see certain things fine.  It made my life a lot easier.  I wasn’t calling my parents with frantic calls, which in the end they couldn’t do much about.  I also was able to just be friends with my brothers, especially Tom over time.  Tom could talk to me about everything, because I didn’t judge him.  I really just wanted him to be happy, because when he was sad it broke my heart.  I still had the big sister/mother complex with him.  When he was hurting, I wanted to wrap him in my arms and rock him.  This worked really well in our relationship for years.  The last year he started to get a little paranoid and didn’t trust anyones motives any more.  He still trusted Sean, but that was it.  Tom wanted me to go out with him more and visit him more and was sick of me using the kids as an excuse.  He also loved my parenting and the way I was raising my kids so he was mixing up his wants with what I needed to give my kids.  It was hard to talk to him about because I felt a little guilty, but not enough to change my visits.  Towards the end, as he was planning his death and coming to terms with it, he did tell me he regretting all the things he had said in a fight we had had.  He told me he loved me and the kids.  I can’g figure out how the paranoia was letting go and letting him see our relationship better, but still not see the light.  How could he be planning his death and realizing that his thinking was off at the same time?

I was worried that telling my dad that Tom had a gun and was going to kill himself, was another one of the moments when I over reached and built a bridge between my parents and Tom that shouldn’t have been there.  I asked Sean, if he would have told my dad also and he said yes.  I don’t know why that makes me feel better.  Maybe because I think it might have played out the same if he had decided to talk Sean instead of me.  If he would have talked to Sean and still died, then my nightmare is a little less hellish. 

Today wasn’t quite as bright as yesterday, but I still feel like something is happening in the right direction.  I am crying as I type, but this is the first time I have cried today.  I almost cried this morning when my hubby Sean and I talked about suicide in general and Tom’s suicide, but instead I just took a nap. 

The family with Tom


Today was a really good day.  Even my brother Sean could hear it in my voice over the phone.  I still took a morning nap, but had energy the rest of the day.  I am not sure what is going on.  It could be the zoloft kicking in, it could be the food I have been forcing myself to eat, it could be the pot luck i went to yesterday or it could just be the eye of the storm.  I remember feeling really good a couple of weeks ago and then suddenly being slammed. 

Vanessa made her obligatory stop and later wrote me to let me know I looked better.  I have my fingers crossed that I have turned a corner.  This has been a very lonely time.  The isolation has been intense.  Not just the isolation by choice, but the feeling that I couldn’t connect with humans. 

I have been loving my kids.  I have been seeing them from a distance and being reminded how wonderful they are.  Isaac is funny and loves me in a way I have never been loved.  Sophia is so smart and such a good person.  She loves me, but in a very different way.  She knows she is more evolved than me so sometimes I feel her love is mixed with a touch of sympathy.  She never uses her higher IQ or more evolved soul against me, which just makes her an even better person. 

Sean came home stressed.  It was almost as if he smelled my calm around the block.  I was both glad that he could have a day to deal with his own crap and not worry about me but also a little sad we couldn’t have a good evening together.

I talked to my dad a bunch of times.  Each time he sounded better.  We both talked about how we just can’t be angry with Tom.  My dad has a lot of anger and it is coming out in wierd directions, but he can’t focus it on Tom.  I was glad to hear it from someone else.  I was glad to hear it from my dad.  He is dealing with guilt the same way I am.  He was driving around trying to find him, but in a way he believes that April 8th didn’t mean a thing.  He was on the train.  It was already done and there wasn’t anything we could have done to save him.  I still can’t settle on that.

My papa


I love my dad so much and sometimes I feel like my words just make him feel worse.  We are very different yet the same.  I don’t know how much he understands me, but I have been trying very hard to give him whatever he needs during all of this.  I wish I knew what it was he needed.  I try to gauge it whenever we talk.  My confidence has been shaken since I couldn’t give Tom what he needed to feel better.  Today I feel like there were moments of connection.  I will take what I can get.

I know the medication is still working on my moods.  Around 1:30 a panic that took my breath away set in.  I couldn’t beleive how calm my conversations with Tom were that last day.  Why didn’t I start screaming and crying and pulling my hair out right then and there.  Why didn’t I give him a glimps of the grief he was about to cause the people he loved?  Why didn’t I bring up Sophia? Why didn’t I call him weak, which was one way I could get him to do ANYTHING!  It was a bit of a joke between us, so why didn’ t I try that.  I took my afternoon ativan and was able to process the questions without falling apart.  I was able to think about each question and understand that I can’t go back.


My Brother Sean

I went to Vanessa’s potluck today.  I thought I would just stay for a little bit, but I stayed for almost the entire thing.  It was good for me to around people.  Everyone there was someone that I feel safe around. I trust what they are saying to me and I trust their motives.  I don’t even know everyone very well, but it is a good group.  I am learning who to open up to and who not to open up to.  I had a bad day after i talked to a friend i shouldn’t have.  i know this person has a hard time when the focus isn’t on her or when she is the best or first or worst.  It was a mistake and a reminder.  I think this is part of the reason I stay home so much.  I feel like everything is going to okay when I am home.  I can control who I call, who I read emails from who I email back and what I write.

Sophia’s birthday overnight went very well. It seems like she was happy and so were her friends.  It is the event I stressed the least about and it seems to have been a success.

I have been thinking about how the only way I can move past this is to hate Tom.  When I love someone I love them with so much of myself and when I hate them they take nothing from me.  I don’t even hate, I just erase and never look back.  I don’t find it painful when people are removed from my inner circle.  So maybe if I did that with Tom, I could move on and be there for my kids and husband.  The only thing is I could never, ever hate Tom.  I loved him too much.  I fucking loved him.  I also can’t hate someone who put a fucking gun inside his mouth and pulled the trigger.  He had to have lived for a moment with his brains blown out of his head.  He had to have lived as he fell over.  What did his eyes see as he died?  How can I hate someone who did that?  That is the saddest thing in the entire world.  How could I hate him?

Vanessa told me I was creating a false choice.  I don’t have to be a mess or hate him.  I will stick with that for awhile.

I have been  becoming very close with my brothers.  Sean and I are getting to know eachother and I think it is going well.  We are so different and I feel like I get more out of the relationship than he does, but he tells me our conversations have been helping him.  Nick and I didn’t really talk much for years.  Over the past year or so, we had been working on having more contact.  We are talking almost every day now.  This isn’t a blessing in some way or something good that is coming out of Tom’s death, it is just what it is and I am happy it is happening.

Sean continues to be a great support.  He is letting me grieve and he is trying very hard to pull everything together around the house.  He did fit in some painting today, which made me happy.  I know his art has suffered over the past few years and I don’t want to take any more of his time away from it.  He is a better person when he is painting and I love the smell of linseed oil in the house.

Anniversary and ativan

Sean and I have been married for 17 years today.  We dropped Sophia and a few of her friends at Siam Country and they ordered their food and paid for it all by themselves.  I feel bad for any couples stopping in for a dinner date. 

Most of the day went well, but at some point I broke down completely again.  I don’t know how to stop myself.  I can’t speak or look at Sean when it is happening.  All I can to is kick and cry and moan.  It is pathetic and I feel like all my dignity is gone.  Sean shoved an ativan in my mouth after making sure I hadn’t had one for awhile.  It worked perfectly.  It allows me to get out of bed, cook lunch for the kids, take Sophia to purchase a birthday present for a friend, drop her off, pick her up, gather her friends and take them to their dinner. 

Sean and I grabbed some food at Garcia’s.  I had  a drink, which I had been avoiding.  I talked more about how I feel like I am failing as a mother and feel like they would be better off without me.  I feel so broken that in many ways I feel like if they were with my brother Sean and Mary and I was just gone now they could get over it and in the end have a better life.  The alternative is them living with this broken creature who naps and doesn’t smile and no longer see joy.  I try to find joy, but there just isn’t much anymore.

Sean reminded me that I was on a bad trip and this was all going to pass.  I don’t understand why I am so broken.  My brother Sean is not this broken. My mom doesn’t seem this broken. Nick is broken and I think my dad is broken.  I feel like I am a mess and will never be put together again.  Why?  Am I that weak?  Did I just love him that much?  What is it that is making this so hard for me?  I feel weak minded and weak souled.  I want to rise above and find inspiration and start running marathons or writing a novel or adopting children or something.  Instead, I just sleep and cry and carry on like a fucking baby until I am medicated.  It is so fucking pathetic!

Sophia is happy.  She is enjoying her birthday.

I have decided I can’t fix my dad.  I tried to fix Tom and he shot him self in the head.  I can’t fix my dad.  I can’t make him better.  I can’t take his pain away.  He has a strong wife and I don’t know what I am doing.  I just have to trust he will be okay.

Sophia’s Birthday

I wasn’t sure I would be able to pull it off, but I have made Sophia happy on her birthday.  Vanessa made her morning by dropping off the snacks I refused to leave the house to purchase.  Vanessa and Alex then stopped by and we let the boys watch tv while we sat around the table.  Usually I would be in stitches hanging out with the two of them, but it just wasn’t happening.  It was still good for me.  I then took a nap, while Isaac continued with TV.  I am not winning any parenting awards this year.  When I woke up, I could feel tears were ready flow and that they wouldn’t stop once started.  I called Sam and asked her to slap me around and make so I could pull it together by the time Sophia came home.  It worked.

I talked to my brother Sean and we talked about how I am out of control with grief and he hardly feels changed at all.  I wonder, if I am fucked up and he wonders if he is.  I think it has been getting easier for the two of us to talk to each other. 

I am very worried about my dad.  He seems to have a hard time talking without getting choked up.  I have been pushing drugs, but he doesn’t really want to talk about it.  My brother Sean and I talked about how in some ways we just have to give my dad the right to grieve and be sad.  After all just yesterday I had snot running down my face while moaning in the bath tub, why can’t my dad get choked up?  I want to take his pain away.  I feel like he doesn’t have the tools he needs to process this.  I am not sure why I am not as worried about my mom, but she is a strong russian and seems like she can deal with anything.  Not that I don’t think about her and feel sorrow for her and wish I could make things better for her, I just don’t worry.

I continue to beg my brother Nicholas to leave San Diego and move near me.  I don’t know why I feel like I need him close, but I do.

I want Nicholas in Chicago


I feel like I need him.  I need him.  I need him.

Sean and I talked a lot last night.  I told him how worried I was about our marriage.  He is not worried.  He has given me permission to fall completely apart for as long as I need.  Tomorrow will be our 17 year wedding anniversary. 

I am not here.  I feel very foggy and I am not really writing from the heart.  I am writing more because I have made a committment to write.  Maybe tomorrow I will have better access to my soul.  At the moment it is surrounded by steal.  Tears have not flowed today.