2012
I woke up in a very good mood. This isn’t something completely new or different. I get these highs and always have. Every song on the radio makes me smile, even that damn Adele song. I sing loudly and with passion to Air Supply or Pit Bull or Katy Perry or Metallica. I think about the future and I know it is good. I mean really good. Gooey good. I think about the past and even the hard stuff, even something horrible is felt with a clean hurt. When my eyes sting with tears, I feel fierce. This fierceness is all good though, because I smile through the tears and the smile is shining and true.
I want to hold on to these mornings or nights or whenever these times of clearness enters my being. It feels so true and beautiful. Colors pop, pop, pop faster than my thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. I know it can’t stay or I would become giddy and my eyes too wide and my smile too toothy and then maybe a bit of madness would slip in. So, I sit back and I take in the thoughts, the feelings the realizations and I don’t try to touch them. I let them move over me and through me and the ones that can settle, I let settle. I don’t even hold my breath any more when this happens.
Overall things have been good. Even, if I try to remove the high, I can still say things have been better. New Year’s Eve was spent with Sean and the kids. Sophia was sick, but we had a toast anyhow. I looked at my two children and I knew what I had—have. I looked at Sean and I knew I was born under a lucky sign.
As a child, I thought the way you left your home was to get married. I wanted to find someone to take me away and take care of me and make my life good. Sean spun past me and I dug my claws in deep with desperation. I was a little girl, but I was determined. I used to think that I forced my will and love on him, but I now know the truth. He was just as desperate to find someone to ground him so his ego didn’t fly him off into a life of misery. We spun away and he made my life good as I learned to do it myself and I kept him grounded as he became a man and grounded himself.
It will be two years in April. My life completely fell apart. Some of you know how close it all came to annihilation of the soul. I didn’t write during that time. I stayed in bed. I stayed in bed drugged and usually drunk. I stayed in bed for about a year. My brother Nick came and helped Sean take care of the kids for 6 of those months. My brother Sean would ride in to try to shake a smile out of me. My parents came and called and sent in the troops when needed. Vanessa dragged me out of bed when she could and listened to desperate pleas from Sean. Many other friends and family did what they could or didn’t . Somehow I was dragged, helped, carried, supported and deposited to this new place.
This new place isn’t perfect. I still have a lot of work to do, but even if I stay here, it will be okay. Sean and my kids are still here. Most of my friends and family are still here. Those that I have lost, I don’t miss.
2012 is an important year. I have set goals for myself. I am off most of the meds. I just started being able to sleep without a sleeping pill. 2012 is going to be better than 2011, which was not better than 2010. I say this all from a perch as high as the moon, yet I know it is true.
I miss my baby brother. I miss Tom. I miss him, but he is gone and I have to live my life without him. I am starting to live my life again. I am reaching out and trying to be there for friends more than they have to be there for me.
Even when I am not flying, I smile and even laugh. I have more than my share. I have a good life. In 2012 I will make it an even better life.
You'll Like Me Better When I'm Angry 
Leave a comment